By John Sturm
In 1996 there was no internet in our house so the only clue I had that Metallica were making a new album would be tiny news bits in Kerrang! or Metal Hammer. Then suddenly there were multiple page interviews with the band talking about the new album, how it was “looser” (Lars called it "greasy") and... oh wait... they've had haircuts! Who gives a shit? Give me the music!
June 4th 1996 arrived and I couldn't wait to get my hands on the bloody (pun intended) thing. I settled down with headphones and a sense of anticipation. 78 minutes and 59 seconds later I took off the headphones and sat back. Well... this was not 100% what I had expected. Yes, I knew it would be a different Metallica (the 'Until it Sleeps' single indicated that as well as the playback I attended) and the differences between the sound of Justice and The Black Album were huge but I wasn't expecting such a depth to the lyrics.
There were snippets in the booklet which meant you had to listen carefully and more intently than before, something I think James did deliberately. I couldn't get my head around how open and yet how internal the words had become. At this point in time I was a bass player in a band; I was also the lyrics guy and up until then had always written in a style that used metaphor and obscurity to describe my feelings and emotions so 'Load' was a revelation. Yeah you had more surface/story lyrics like ‘Ain't My Bitch’, ‘2x4’ ‘Poor Twisted Me’ and ‘Ronnie’ but elsewhere….
"Excuse me while I tend to how I feel / These things return to me that still seem real"
"Mama, they try and break me"
"So point your fingers, point right at me / For I am shadows and will follow you, one and the same are we"
"And the hate still shapes me"
"So on I wait my whole lifetime for you / The more I search, the more my need for you"
“Mama, now I'm coming home / I'm not all you wished of me"
"And when I start to come undone / Stitch me together"
It blew my mind. Here was a metal God, an icon, penning the most open, real and honest lyrics that I'd ever heard. This was something more, something real. It wasn't as though I listened to the lyrics and said "That's me! I know EXACTLY what he's talking about"; far from it. Nevertheless, it made me realise that not only could I do better as a lyricist but also that if the alpha-male of metal could let down his barriers and put his heart into a song, so could I. In a sense I realised this applied not just to my lyrics, but to the way I was with my friends: to be open, be vulnerable let them see how hurt I was or afraid I could be or happy I was. Let them see the ‘me’ that was inside: the real me.
Musically I loved it. Some more than others (whilst I love this album to death, 'Poor Twisted Me' bless its little cotton socks, DOES get skipped a lot) the talk box solo in 'House that Jack Built' made me smile so much I replayed that specific section over and over again, 'Until It Sleeps' showed me how to have light and shade in a song, as a bass player there was more interesting stuff going on and not just root notes. 'Bleeding Me' and 'Outlaw Torn' defined epic to me for many years until I got into prog. 'Mama Said' led me to write my first ever song and, along with 'Ronnie’, prompted me to go check out country music and southern rock. I started painting my nails black (a lá Kirk) and became more comfortable hugging friends (my mindset was: if Kirk & Lars can kiss, it's ok for me to hug).
Fast forward to 2013, 17 years later and I am older (certainly), wiser (debatable) and perhaps less of a fan boy (jury’s still out). My band is now defunct, I'm more into prog than metal. I've got a kid and wife and hopefully some perspective on the past. So how does 'Load' sit with me these days? I still rate it as my favourite Metallica album. It’s hard for me to separate the album from that period of my life. I was in a band, I had new friends, a job which meant disposable income… life was exciting and promising. The album was the soundtrack to the next two years or so.
I think this is true for most of us actually. It’s a safe bet that each of our favourite musical moments can also be tied in with an emotional reaction or memory. That’s what makes us love songs and albums. Yes, we can love the riff, the drumming, and the vocals. Deeper than that, however, we love the way the song/album makes us FEEL, and that, surely, is what music is all about.
